So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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