apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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