what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
