Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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