I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
