If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize