I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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