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the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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