So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
