Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
