My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
