If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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