Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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