he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
