Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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