You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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