Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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