does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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