from now on my penis is your penis
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize