No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
