Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
