i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Swine flu is the new snow day.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
