I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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