you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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