it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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