I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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