Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
