8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
