She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
