Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
