who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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