You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
