I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
