"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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