i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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