The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize