Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The air was thick with penises
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
