Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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