So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
