after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
