i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I have fence marks all over my body
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
