My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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