is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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