Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
