did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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