I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
