I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
