youre lurking in front of me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
