fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
