I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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