would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
