apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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