Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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