He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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